Attack of the Mary Sue
by cRazYrEfLeCtiOnS
Summary: A new girl comes to hogwarts, an american exchange student of course, and everyone is dazzled with her beauty and mind nobody can see what shes really up to
1. Default Chapter

The sun was setting over number 4 privit drive a dangerously skinny and massivly bruised harry potter sat on his bed writing a letter to his godfather Sirius which he knew would never be delivered. The Dursleys had been treating him worse then ever and his uncle had threatened to kill him if he squealed to the order. If anymore then one day was left before he would make his way to the train station Harry would have committed suicide. Insert chorus of "Numb" thankfully tonight would be his last night in the utterly desolate, insert many, many, more huge ass words that make no sense house, he was off to kings cross the very next day.  
  
After the long summer Harry was at last at the train station about to once again embark on his journey to Hogwarts, he met up with Ron and Hermione one the platform and found a compartment. After the train ride they rode to the castle on the no longer horseless carriages. They make their way up to the castle and possibly because of the magic of Hogwarts or some other unknown force harry is no longer scrawny or disheveled, but is now buff and well toned, (which totally doesn't make any sense because in the beginning of the story he was being starved to death and locked in his room, Any way on with the fic) The three found seats inside the great hall insert unneeded 3 page long description of the ceiling and waited for the sorting to start.  
  
The sorting was over, and the feast was just about to begin when suddenly the doors burst open and in walked the most beautiful most stunning most drop dead gorgeous girl anyone had ever seen. Every single boy in the great hall's chin dropped to the floor, as did many of the teachers  
  
"Sorry I'm late. I ran into a pack of dementors, werewolf's, angry centaurs, death eaters, basilisks, manticores, voldemort himself, and a stampede of ravaging telemarketers, and I had to fight them all off single handedly with out the help of aurors, fully trained wizards, or even my wand."  
  
"Yo, dawgs," Dumbledore rose from his seat again "this uh slipped me, for uh um secondizzle we uh got a babe here from the uh states, the apple I thinksizzles cumin over fo' the parta" he said with lame, freakish, and totally terrifying attempts to be "hip"  
  
The oh so sexy new comer flitted gracefully up to the sorting stool, with the whole school goggling over her, and placed the hat on her head.  
  
"A though one," the hat whispered. "You've got the courage of a Gryfindor, the loyalty of a hufflepuff, the intelligence of a ravenclaw, and the cunningness of a Slytherin, plus your damn sexy, that leaves only one choice GRYFFINDOR!" the hat finally bellowed.  
  
The girl pranced over to the Gryffindor table, Her long, sparkling, locks bouncing behind her. She took a seat in between ron and harry, and across from hermione  
  
"hi" harry introduced himself, "Im harry potter and I have a rippling mass of muscles and a well toned body after coming back this year"  
  
"Yea" added ron "Im ron weasly and im no longer tall and gangly, and I have a well defined chest, a twenty pack from the summer, and my fiery red hair is now a tamer shade of auburn"  
  
"and I'm Hermione granger, I have suddenly attained womanly curves over the summer in all the right places, had a makeover, went shopping in America, and got my hair straightened."  
  
"Nice to meet you all" the girl said with her angelic voice like the song of a turkey, the bodily functions of a hippo, the sound of cheese against the grater, and the wind rustling through the leaves of a peanut butter tree. "I would introduce my self but I have a dark secret and by revealing my true identity I would be putting your lives in grave danger...that, and it is so long, mysterious, insanely spelled, and made up of nonsense words I myself am having trouble remembering it at the moment. However for the time being you may call me by my nickname, Emma Rose Destiny Daffodil Cherry Tree De Flavio. Today I will be stealing your hearts with my dazzling looks, Boggling your mind with my insane inelegance, and have you rolling on the floor laughing with my ridiculous sense of humor and witty remarks. Thank you and goodnight"  
  
With that she flounced off out of the great hall leaving all of Hogwarts in awe.  
  
Ok there's the first chapter. I don't think its that good but review anyway and if you like it I'll write more. 


	2. Breakfast, Red Carpets, and Jealousy to ...

Attack of the Mary Sue Chapter 2: Breakfast, Red Carpets, and Jealousy to the extreme  
  
Ron, Harry, and Hermione (who will now be known as Mione because apparently Hermione is not a suitable enough name for someone who looks like they walked right out of Baywatch) trudged down to the great hall still not ready for the early mornings that come with the start of term. They took their seats and began to pick at their breakfasts, when suddenly a red carpet rolled out, strobe lights began to flicker all around, music randomly blared out of nowhere and the new girl (who will now be known simply as Mary Sue because the author forgets her name) pranced across the room to the Gryffindor table pausing to wave or sign autographs for her adoring fans.  
  
She skipped over to where Harry, Ron, and Mione were sitting, her long, Beautiful, wonderful, sparkly, fragrant, abundant, glittering, perpendicular, locks of Wondrous, smooth, flowing, chestnut hair bounced playfully against her back. "Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning!!!" she announced in her sing song voice, much too chipper for that time of day, and standing there looking as if she had spent all day being made up at a salon, even though according to her she had just rolled out of bed and threw on some old rags.  
  
"Mary Sue!" Ron exclaimed "You look...amazing."  
  
"HEY!" Harry yelled with steam practically coming out his ears, "I was going to say that!"  
  
"Too Bad!" Ron replied standing up from his seat. "She's mine!"  
  
"HA! THAT'S A GOOD ONE" Said Harry, steam now really coming out of his ears.  
  
"I'LL SHOW YOU!" with that Ron lunged at Harry, and head-butted him, causing him to fall the ground, Harry took hold of Ron's hair and Ron started to bite Harry's leg. Mione just looked away in disgust.  
  
"Boys!" said Mary Sue stepping in between the cat fight. "Now that's no way to behave. You can share me. Come on we can stop by the-oh so convenient- even though we have no use for it-and there's not even a janitor at this school-but for some totally ridiculous reason there just happens to be one when ever a Mary Sue and someone feel the need for a disgusting make out session-JANITORS CLOSET, before our double potions lesson where I intend to tell Snape off and make him flee the room crying."  
  
With that she left with Harry and Ron in tow leaving a river of drool behind them. Mione stayed seated totally disgusted but really and actually very jealous because neither of her friends had noticed her new make over, her new clothes, or her newly formed womanly curves. Something had to be done about Mary Sue. Just what was Mione's question  
  
A/N: sorry short chapter, and sorry it took a while to update, updates probably won't be too often because its summer and I'm kinda busy sorry. Thank you to people who reviewed. 


	3. Potions, Malfoy and ::gasp:: SIRIUS

Attack of the Mary Sue:Chapter 3 Potions, Malfoy and ::gasp:: SIRIUS  
  
'Mione entered the potions room and made her way to Her, Ron, and Harry's usual table near the back. She was about to take the seat between them when Ron screamed,  
  
"NO! THAT SEATS TAKEN!"  
  
"Sorry 'Mione," Harry added. "We like Mary Sue better."  
  
Mione trudged off and took a seat next to Neville. At exactly 7 minutes after Snape had started his lesson the doors flung open. Mary Sue walked elegantly in, fashionably late of course, so everyone could goggle at her. Immediately when she entered everybody including Snape, Excluding Mione dropped to their knees chanting "We are not worthy" Mione sat there and as usual looked away in disgust as Mary Sue made her way, waving and blowing kisses, to her seat between Harry and Ron. When she was seated the whole class got to their feet again and Snape returned to his lesson as though nothing had happened. He began writing recipes on the board and droning on about nothing. Mione and Mary Sue seemed to be the only students left still paying attention.  
  
"...And so class, if you mix a bit of powdered gnome dung into your beer it will reduce the hangover and keep you drunk for half an hour longer." Snape finished  
  
"Actually," Mary Sue spoke up. "I believe its powdered bowtruckle dung, gnome dung would turn your ears purple and cause you to perform a never ending chicken dance."  
  
Snape turned to his desk and ruffled through a few papers.  
  
"I believe your correct Miss Mary Sue, Extraordinary work, I believe this calls for 5000 points to Gryffindor, Even though I loath the house and all who are in it, and would never dream of ever awarding points to them."  
  
"Great! Say would you like to run off with me to the oh so convenient-even though we have no use for it-and there's not even a janitor at this school- but for some totally ridiculous reason there just happens to be one when ever a Mary Sue and someone feel the need for a disgusting make out session- JANITORS CLOSET, and "Go over notes"?" She asked  
  
"Well if by "Go over notes" you mean a nauseating and illegal make out session then sure" he answered running over to her, scooping her into his arms, and running off.  
  
The rest of the class just stared, speechless, with jealousy, well all  
except for Mione who of course, looked away in disgust.  
  
Hermione made her way out to the courtyard for lunch. The whole school had to eat outside for the next couple of days due to the fact that the great hall had been flooded with drool because of Mary Sue's appearance that morning. She made her way over to Ron and Harry hoping she wouldn't be excluded this time. The two of them seemed very angry she noticed as she got closer. "Hey guys. What's up?" she asked "Can you believe her?" Ron asked Harry. "I know, what the hell is up with her?" Harry replied Hermione already having guessed who they were talking about scanned around for Mary Sue. She was over the other side of the couryard flaunting herself in front of Draco Malfoy, with the whole school watching her put on the whole "I'm a skimpy bimbo, even though I make straight A's show." That seems to work so well on guys. Soon enough she led him off. Of course everyone knew where they were going seeing as just about every single guy in the school and half the professors had been to the oh so convenient-even though we have no use for it-and there's not even a janitor at this school- but for some totally ridiculous reason there just happens to be one when ever a Mary Sue and someone feel the need for a disgusting make out session- JANITORS CLOSET with her.  
  
After Mary Sue left lunch returned to pretty much normal. Friends started talking again and people actually had the chance to ::gasp:: eat. That is until the doors leading from the school to the courtyard burst open. A man stood there who looked familiar to only three students seated outside. "WHERE IS SHE?!?" he yelled. "IS SHE HERE?!?!" Ron Harry and Mione rushed over to the man. "SIRIUS!!!" They exclaimed in unison. "We thought you were dead." Said Harry moving forward to embrace his godfather. "Don't touch me people might get ideas and one day oh I don't know write horribly bad stories about how you and I fuck every night then post them online for the world to see and for other perverts to get kicks out of." Sirius said shaking him off. "Oh, right, sorry." Harry apologized. "Besides," Sirius continued. "I'm here looking for a girl the most beautiful girl I've ever seen..." He went into a long, long, long description of a girl that could be no one else than Mary Sue. -Three hours later-  
  
"...Oh and her hair," Sirius raved "Don't get me started on her hair. It's just the- "Ok Sirius we get it." Hermione said cutting him off, she had already fallen asleep four times as was not about to do it for a fifth. Harry and Ron however were hanging on to his every word. "You're talking about Mary Sue. Aren't you?" Ron asked dreamily. "I didn't get her name." Sirius told him. "But she's the one who saved me. The one I owe my life to, My soul mate." "Yea uh-huh, well your "soul mate" happens to be in the oh so convenient- even though we have no use for it-and there's not even a janitor at this school-but for some totally ridiculous reason there just happens to be one when ever a Mary Sue and someone feel the need for a disgusting make out session-JANITORS CLOSET with Draco Malfoy at the moment." She told him. "SHE'S WHERE?" Sirius roared. "I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM!" and with that he ran off like a mad man in search of this oh so convenient-even though we have no use for it-and there's not even a janitor at this school-but for some totally ridiculous reason there just happens to be one when ever a Mary Sue and someone feel the need for a disgusting make out session- JANITORS CLOSET.  
  
A/N: hmm I don't think this chapter is that good but that's gonna be ok. Hope you liked it anyway but review and tell me what you think. 


	4. Chapter 4: Kill the Beast

Omg wow I am sooo sorry it took this long to update. I was gone all summer then the

computer crashed (deleting the original fourth chapter too, which was much better than this)

and yea it wasn't fun. Thank you to all my wonderful reviews and again sorry for taking so

long.

Attack Of the Mary Sue Chapter Three

"Um...I...guess we should ah...go follow him then." Mione said standing up after about 5

minutes of silent, motionless shock, Ron and Harry were still staring at the doors of the castle

with their mouths hanging open.

She stood behind them for a few more moments before grabbing the necks of their Linkin

Park, and Good Charlotte band shirts and yanking them to their feet.

"Come on." She told them, starting to run "We're going to go stop Sirius from making the

biggest mistake of his life."

As soon as she said this Ron and Harry sprung alive and chased after her (which was kind of

hard considering their spikes, chains, bondage pants, wristbands (only to hide the cut marks

of course), random pink and black accessories, and the large amount of metal hanging off

their bodies in random places...totally despite the fact that yesterday they were wearing pastel

American Eagle polo's, Abercrombie Khakis, and rainbows... but anyway back to the story)

Both yelling things like "YOUR JUST JELOUS MIONE!!" and "HOW DARE YOU CALL MARY SUE A

MISTAKE!!"

The trio finally made it to the-oh so convenient- even though we have no use for it-and

there's not even a janitor at this school-but for some totally ridiculous reason there just

happens to be one when ever a Mary Sue and someone feel the need for a disgusting make

out session-JANITORS CLOSET. But by the time they got there, which took quite a while

considering how many times Harry and Ron tripped over their way over the top pants and

chunky black boots it was about an hour and a half before they got anywhere, But anyway

outside the-oh so convenient- even though we have no use for it-and

there's not even a janitor at this school-but for some totally ridiculous reason there just

happens to be one when ever a Mary Sue and someone feel the need for a disgusting make

out session-JANITORS CLOSET, there was already a crowd consisting of all the males at

Hogwarts and the surrounding areas, yes this includes teachers, store owners, ministry

workers, Voldemort, married men, centaurs, Grawp, Aragog, the giant squid, and that

Blaise Zambini kid who no one really knows what it is, anyway...They were all out side the

Door with torches, rakes, and unidentifiable school cafeteria food. A few stronger men were

Attempting to break down the door with Hagrid's head and all were singing that merry

"Kill the beast" song from Beauty and the Beast while Dumbledor stood off to the side

"Bustin his moves yo!" or to any regular person he was having a seizure on a piece of

cardboard. Finally Hagrid's head broke through the door and Sirius could be seen

taking off in the other direction. The angry mob took off after him, with Harry and Ron trying

to follow but failing unbelievably now with the added squid slime they were tripping

uncontrollably.

What no one noticed was Mary Sue slip skeptically behind a corner. No one that is except

For Hermione. And also Dumbledor but he had pulled a muscle in his back and was fall and

Could not get up. Also he was too busy shouting for his "homies" to come back.


End file.
